Book I'm Writing"The Sired One"

[werewolves]

This is the first chapter of my vampire book I'm writing.
It's about a kid, Drew, who gets turned into a vampire by a random feller passin through town one night, and Drew's surprising ease at ecepting his new nature.
Chapter 1
My life was normal until September 14, 2008. I was 15, and it was about 9:23 pm. I was out walking my dogs, Duke and Jynks, listening to Oldies music on my I-pod, when the dogs started to go nuts. I looked where they were barking, and saw a twenty looking guy standing there. His face is really pale, I remember thinking. His eyes are freaky too. His head was down but he was looking up and smirking. He said "Finally. Breakfast.", and lunged at me. He bit on to my throat, and started to guzzle my blood. I was in shock for a moment, but then I bit back and drew blood as I yelled "Let's see how you like it punk!" He let go after I had bitten him he said maniacly "Ha ha, sucker!" and ran off. I fainted from blood loss soon after, but before I did, I heard a door open and somebody scream "Call the cops!"
When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed and a few of my friends were there. Sam Marshal said to me "Well that was ironic" in refrence to the fact that I preffered werewolves. "How do you feel man?"
"Like s*** you asshole. How do I look?"
"Well... the doctors say it should be reversable."
"What!? Lemme' see."
"Okay but you ain't gonna' like it."
Sam held up a mirror and the only change I saw was a bit of facial hair. It was then that I noticed Sam and my other friends laughing. I pointed at Sam as I glared at the rest of my friends and said mock seriously "I hate all of you."
Another friend, Kaylyn said to me "So what happened out there, Drew?"
"Well," I said. "I was walking the dogs and this guy jumped at me and drank my blood. I bit back and then I fainted."
"Not really."
"Whadda' mean?"
"You didn't faint man. You died."Sam said.

[Marcus]

Personally I've never been keen on the 1st person perspective in novels. I prefer 3rd person. Though that said, you can do a lot more internal dialogue with 1st person. Though looking back over what you've written it's actually 2nd person I think (if that's a term - as the reader is being told the story, rather then either being inside the characters head, or a disembodied observer of events).

I'm hoping you meant to say this was the 1st page of the 1st chapter, not the whole chapter.

I'd suggest that you expand on this though. You've put no descriptions of the people, or the main character, so there's nothing to build the mental imagery on when reading it. You've not described the setting either. This makes it very hard to relate to the character and to "get into" the event.

From the writting I take it this is the character speaking to the reader, in effect telling them the story of what happened? Rather than it happening at the same time as the reader is reading. Are you planning on doing the whole story in this manner, or is it more an introduction of the character in chapter 1, and then the story will move on to happening in the present?

From the way your dialogue has gone, it looks like vampire attacks and such are a common (or if not common than "normal") occurance in the setting. So I'm guessing this isn't supposed to be set in our world, but in somekind of alternative one. But if that was the case wouldn't the character have known what would happen if he bite the vampire?

Most hospitals wouldn't let friends sit with him if he'd not woken up yet. Most only allow family members there - though that could be different in your country than mine. And wouldn't his family be there too, regardless, not just his friends?

The only thing we know about your character at this point is that he's a male and 15 and swares. Not his name, or how he dresses, or anything that we can identify with.

Also, what was the dogs doing whilst you were biting each other? You said they started acting up, but did they attack the vampire when he went for you? or run away? or did the vampire kill them? subdue them with hypnotic eyes?

I noticed you didn't mention anything about what he was hearing, or smelling, or tasting, were these deliberate omissions and unnecessary? You didn't mention if when he bite him back if he could taste blood, or if it was some odd sour or foul tasting black substance or anything along those lines. Did he feel anykind of reaction to it, You don't mention how the bite felt, if it hurt, if it made his neck go numb or anything like that. Also I'm assuming he either shouted his sentance first then bite, or bite first then shouted. As you've written it, it sounds like he was doing both at the same time.

I'd have expected the vampire to have pulled the character away when he felt him bitting, as I'd imagine it'd have been a surprise that the character did this. But all you have the vampire doing is just laughing saying his speach and running off. Did the dogs chase him?

Remember you need to paint a picture for the reader not just mention the sequance of events. You need to help the reader to become involved in what they are reading, and what you've currently got doesn't do that.

The backdrop to your scene is just a blank white. No idea if this is on a city street, or in the suburbs. the vampire just seems to be standing there in space, was he leaning on a wall, at a corner, by a tree, outside a house, in the middle of the road, on the same side of the road or the opposite, did he attack as the character walked past? or did he run up to the character?

Please don't get annoyed or discouraged by any of what I've typed. I'm hoping this reads as constructive critisism, which is what it's ment to be.

[dedwyre]

Marcus, I think it would still be considered 3rd person. Second person would be if a character was referred to as "you." There aren't a lot of stories out there written in 2nd person, aside from the Choose Your Own Adventure-type kids' books, but I have read at least one.

I personally prefer 1st person stories to 3rd person most of the time. I feel they're more engaging, as the narrator character can usually input more sarcasm and attitude as a storyteller than an anonymous narrator can in a 3rd person story. It's also easier to write about physical descriptions from a 1st person point of view, because they're limited to that person's understanding; in 3rd person, you pretty much have to write poetry to describe everything. I prefer to write 1st person stories for those same reasons.

You've done a very good job of critiquing this piece. I don't think I could add anything more.

[Marcus]

Thanks for the definition of 2nd person. I was never sure what it was

Werewolves, a little more advice. I've heard this said by dozens of authors and writters. "Write about what you know". This may not sound like much sense when talking about fantasy/supernatural-like settings, but it is. This is one reason writters/authors tend to do a lot of research too, so they know about what their typing. If a main stream author plans on setting his story in say, an offshore oil rig, and they've never worked on one, then they'll research all about it. They'll try to talk to people that have worked on them, find out what all the bits are called, or how it behaves in different conditions, or the job titles of the crews.

They do all this because it's very important in the bits which are based on real life to be as accurate as possible to real life. That way the more fantastical elements have a foundation on which to sit.

Now, I don't know your preferred writting style. Whether or not you prefer to just sit down and start writting, letting the story form as you type freeform. Or, if you prefer to plan out the story beforehand, then once you have it plotted from begining to end, then start to write. Different authors prefer different methods. Try different ways of writting to see which you find the easiest to do, and which you enjoy the most.

Are you part of a local writter's club? Often if there are ones in your area, it can be handy to join one, as they can give good feedback to you and suggetions that they've done themselves.